Lonely. Although not physically alone, mentally I feel like I am being carried through life by myself. Why do I stare at the sunset and feel hopeless...or is it hope. Why do I walk to the beach only to gaze out to sea feeling the same void I've always felt. It isn't hope this time. It is hopelessness. Somewhere I took a wrong turn in life and the void-filling something I was supposed to find has been lost. I look down at my husky who just stares back at me, smiling and showing me his rows of sharp teeth. I enjoy driving a lot more than I used to. I don't want a destination unless that destination is far away. I don't want to come home from work. I don't want to be at work either. I want to be far away, someplace loud and fun, where things don't matter. Is that what it takes to feel alive again? Something that crazy? Maybe this is why I enjoy flying so much with students who have never flown before. I laugh to myself as they freak out while we plummet to the ground 10,000 feet above the earth. Altitude. Check. Airspeed. Check. No we aren't going to die. Stop being hysterical. Now stop throwing up. Good job, now it smells. What was my point...I don't remember.

What the hell happened. Is this growing up? Fuck growing up. Let's go back to when things were simple and fun and life was carefree and easy. Let's bike to the local boba shop and play super poker for 3 hours because whatever calculus homework I have to do is easy. Then I will watch the WB on my 12 inch TV and be a rebel and stay up until 1130, actually looking forward to the next day. Friends were plentiful then. Relationships were strong. Everyone was a stupid adolescent ignorant to reality. At least it was awesome while it lasted.