Welcome back to the land of the living, six year old blog. I haven't resurrected you for any noble purpose however, only to fill you with frustration and misunderstandings and hopelessness. Yes this will be about destruction, but not the kind of destruction you're used to. Not the dilapidated structures serving as the only sign that life once existed in whatever remote place I had ended up at. This is destruction of self and a way of life I have become so accustomed to living. Stupid life. No, I am not suicidal. Just pissed off and tired as hell. I have never felt the pressure of aging and whatever is expected by a certain age kind of crap as I do now. All of my friends from the Academy are married and have kids, some multiple kids. They all seem so happy on facebook. Happy and smiley and taking tons of pictures of their newly formed families. Bleh. Stupid babies. Thinking about that gets me panicked. I'm already 28 years old. I ended a perfectly fine, perfectly functional eight-year relationship because it "didn't feel right." We got along flawlessly. But there was something tiny missing...that stupid something that was allowed to grow and claw its way through my brain unimpeded...kind of like a vicious spiky tapeworm with claws. The tipping point was when I met M and everything felt so new and alive. This must be how a correct relationship should feel, right? Who knows. It did feel pretty damn good. And so the massive tapeworm in my brain told me to let go of L and give her a chance to find what I was feeling then. And so I did and took the first and only step that would plummet me into a spiral of destruction. And here I am now, still plummeting. But then I think of my high school friends, the few that I have left, and my mind switches gears. They don't seem hurried or worried or obligated to do what society tells them. I'm only 28  years old. What's the rush? Dig myself out of this hole I've fallen into and mold my life back into shape. Easier said than done.  This is, after all, a pretty freaking deep hole.